My Encounter with God: 5/16/12- God’s Novocaine for Heartache

Today’s word of the day for me is \numb\:

Image

To deaden or place in a state of sleep, whereas to be conscious about what is going on around you, yet not feel pain.

Not necessarily a Webster’s Dictionary definition, but as I began to ponder on this word and definition that was placed in my spirit today, I began to see more and more of the character of God.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think this was the greatest place to be. For about a week now, my tolerance has gotten REALLY low. The things that used to make me sorrowful, I began to take on the feeling of “it is what it is”. I began to clean out my address book, delete old emails/texts, just rid myself of all of the non-productive interactions that I’ve accumulated over many years.  God began to reveal to me this morning that I’m not necessarily going into a place of where I don’t care, but instead going into a place where I place the burden upon him.

He gave me this vision of my cousin who is a dental surgeon.  For the longest time, I hated going to the dentist, because I was mistreated by one in the past. I went in to this dentist when I was about 21 years old to have a cavity filled. The dentist began to start the procedure and did not numb me all of the way. I told him that I felt the pain. He didn’t care and kept on drilling. Tears streamed down my face. I felt violated in some way, as if what I felt didn’t matter. Shortly after the procedure started, the secretary came in and told the dentist that I was no longer covered under my father’s dental insurance. When the dentist found this out, He told me that unless I could pay for the charges out of pocket, he would not be able to complete the procedure. Here I was, this 21 year-old, completing college, not making much money on the little full time job I had. Here I was vulnerable, trusting this professional to take care of a problem that was causing me pain. He started the job, only not to finish but leaving me in more pain. It took me a very long time to trust a dentist again.

Ironically, I’ve been to this dentist over and over again in my relational life. Meeting individuals who say they are qualified for the job, but only to leave me hanging in deeper pain than I was before I encountered them. BIG WOW MOMENT!

As time went on, my cousin had now became a dental surgeon. My problem had gotten so bad that I couldn’t go on anymore without assistance. I had to get the source of the problem examined. When I went to my cousin, he had a still calm voice that relaxed me. He explained to me what was going on and proceeded with the procedure. He numbed the general area in which he was going to work and said, “okay, you’re going to feel a little prick”. I jumped just a little, but after a while, I said to myself “was that all”. “Okay, you’re going to hear and see some things going on around you, but don’t be alarmed”. I sat there calm, conscious of all that was going on around me, even felt a little pressure. As he injected the novocaine my heart raced and I became a little anxious about what was going on, but I understood that I was in the hands of a person who loved me, who cared about me, and who was going to do everything in his power to help me not to feel anymore pain. As I relaxed and placed the burden of my toothache in the hands of someone I trusted–all went well, he was able to start and COMPLETE the work left by someone else.

Eventually, I no longer felt pain.

God reminded me of this very thing experience this morning. I had been feeling as if I was becoming numb to the thought of a relationship. I’ve had really no huge yearning to spend my time meeting someone new. Had no tolerance for starting something only for it to leave me into disappointment. I haven’t really felt bitter, but more so, “I just don’t care anymore”. As I stated before, I thought this was a bad place, but now that I’m writing, I am understanding that this is such a great place to be.

When God numbs your heart and mind–he’s not numbing your emotional entities to cause you to become nonchalant or indifferent or closed to possibility of falling in love one day.  He does it so that He can have the ultimate control to do what he needs to do to fix them from the aftermath of life. Life hurts. Our interactions with people can sometimes hurt. THIS IS A REALITY.

Though we are aware of what is going on around us, his spiritual novocaine shields us from feeling the things that would cause even more pain. It places our heart in a state of numbness, so God can go in a clean out all of the sources of heart, betrayal, aggravation/irritation <—all the things that if not handled can be responsible for making us irritable and bitter individuals.

So today, I’m embracing the numbness. It’s just a reminder that I’ve placed my cares upon God. Though I’m well aware of what’s going on around me–people developing new relationships, transitioning to new stages in life, getting married, having children–all the things that I do desire, there’s great comfort in knowing that everything is taken care of because He really does cares about me and everything concerning me.

There are some other people out there experiencing this very numbness. Understand that this is a GREAT place!  Embrace it!

Love, peace and many blessings,

B.

Cast all your cares {burdens, desires, anxiety, thoughts, behaviors} upon God, because He cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Today, I asked a patient a rather routine question, “Sir, do you wear a pacemaker or defibrillator?” He looked at me intensely and uttered, “No, not the physical one that you speak of, but I married one”. I said, “excuse me”. He said, “I married someone who is my pacemaker…she keeps me going, she gives me life, and speaks life”. Then he asks me, “did you happen to marry your pacemaker”. I said, “hmm, I never really looked at it that way, but no, I haven’t married my pacemaker {yet}”.

After the encounter, the patient’s analogy stuck with me. I began to think about the purpose of the pacemaker and its purpose in monitoring the rhythm of your heart. When your heart’s behavior is operating smoothly, the pacemaker is there for monitoring purposes. It’s almost like a level of accountability. But when that behavior begins to get a little slow, too fast-paced or any form or irregularity, that pacemaker begins to fulfill its purpose, sending a shock to your circulatory system, and get that heart flow back on track.

Typically, pacemaker recipients aren’t even aware of the presence of the device. It is light-weight, not burdensome, and a routine part of them, but when those tough times hit, and their life line is compromised, that’s when the true importance of such a device is really recognized. It can be a matter of life or death.

This patient’s analogy made me survey all of the relationships that I have encountered in my life. Primarily interactions that I’ve had with men; however, this analogy could translate into any relationship.

Upon reflection, I realize that I have had various “pacemakers” and have had those who are more like “artery blockers”. I began to think about those whom I love. Those who are so important to me and who are a routine part of my life. When our relationship is not functioning as it should, I feel a little off, as if something is not right–I recognize the importance of their presence in my life, especially when that relationship is compromised. They are the people who “shock” my behavior back on track. They tell me like it is in love–they hold me accountable. These are my natural pacemakers.

Then I have had those people who were there, a routine part of my life; however, when those various forms of irregularity emerged–they did nothing, they said nothing to “shock” me back into the normalcy of my behavior or walk. They actually aided me down emotionally, physically and spiritually destructive paths. These are defective pacemakers–who if my life, walk, and destiny depended on it… all of those things would have been D.O.A.

Then there have been those people, who just pop up in your life out of the blue, unexpectedly and block all flow of progression. The blockage can be so bad that is sends your hopes, dreams and aspirations into arrest–compromising life from ever emerging from them in those specific situations. These are the silent killers–dream killers, suffactors of your desires–but typically there are red flags that many miss.

Do you feel fatigued, dizzy–going in circles, drained, no energy in the relationship. Perhaps your flow of progression is being threatened! Don’t ignore the warning signs.

These are matters of the heart. <–above all else…guard it!